What would be different this week if everyone committed to listening slightly more deliberately and consciously to those around us?  Thought leaders from varied fields and backgrounds speak about listening.  “People don’t listen well; when people talk, listen completely.  Most people never listen.” Ernest Hemmingway.

Our short term memory’s ability to gather and store words is inadequate to capture the vocal ability to share words and the mind’s ability to generate thought.  Add to this imbalance the increasing volume of mental noise and distractions – texts, calls, meetings, websites, video, reading, etc. It’s no wonder we miss so much of what our employees, colleagues, partners and even our clients are trying to communicate.  “The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.” Alfred Brendel.

What would be different if we each made a conscious decision to listen more?  How much time would pass in the day before you realize that you already forgot this commitment, and you have quickly fallen back into the habit so many of us have – we move from listening to talking, mentally drifting off to another thought, or reach for the alluring draw of our device.

Make the commitment to listen and then monitor yourself; notice what it feels like to actually listen to the person in front of you.  How hard or easy is it to focus on them? When you’re engaging with someone, notice:

How long does it take for you to begin feeling that inner urge to speak?  To say something, anything?  Feel that welling up of words in your throat.  Notice your inner dialogue, planning what you’re going to say in response.  Are you listening to them or your own thoughts?

Then ask yourself “why do I need to say this?”  Really consider and reflect on this question.  What will you gain by giving in to the urge to say something, interject, interrupt, correct? What is truly driving this urge?  “Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.”  Dean Jackson.

What would it mean to your employee, client, partner or child to feel you have heard them, listened completely and authentically without prejudgment, or a desire or intention to respond? Sit back, relax and listen, really hear the words, how they are spoken; notice tone, emotions and expressions.Ask yourself, what is this person really telling me and wanting me to know, and why?  As Covey has famously said, “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood”.

If you find you are challenged to really listen and focus, then look deeper. Is this a bad habit, or something more? What are you thinking?

• I have something more pressing or important than this person’s needs.
• I know more than this person so I need to say something to make sure they understand that.
• I should be talking; I’m not sure why I just feel compelled to talk.
• What if I miss out on something that just happened; I should check my email.
• I’m too busy to sit here and just listen to this.

What would be different if we each listened more, as Covey gave us that timeless quote: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”  Listening takes courage.  It takes courage to let go of the fact that you don’t have to appear to be the smartest or most interesting or most important person.  “People talk not to communicate but to avoid communication.”  Osho.

If you feel challenged to really listen, try to honestly self-reflect. Do any of these apply to you?

• Another person may know something I don’t or know more than I do.
• Acknowledge that you talk sometimes because you need validation from others.
• Admit you may have the need to appear smart, intelligent and important.
• Consider that you talk from a place of unhealthy competition.
• You reach for your device to feed a need for constant distraction.
• Or just admit it’s a really bad habit that you need to work on.

Then, let’s each decide to find the courage to change.  What would be different?